Alex Jones: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO)

Alex Jones: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO)

We're gonna talk about
the media, specifically, one increasingly
influential member of it, Alex Jones, the Walter Cronkite of shrieking
batshit gorilla clowns. (CROWD LAUGHING) And I know you may be thinking, there is nothing more I need
to know about Alex Jones. Because you've probably seen
crazy clips like this. ALEX JONES:
What do you think tap water is?
It's a gay bomb, baby. And I'm not saying people
didn't naturally
have homosexual feelings.
I'm not even getting into it.
You think I– (GUFFAWS)
I'm like shocked by it, so I'm up here bashing it
because I don't like gay people? (YELLS) I don't like 'em
putting chemicals in the water that turn
the friggin' frogs gay! Do you understand that? (GRUNTS) Crap! Wow.

If he is that upset about
a government conspiracy that is not happening,
just imagine how upset he's gonna be when he finds out
about one that is actually is. Like the fact
that the government is turning raccoons bi-lingual. Oh, that's right, they're all
fluent in French now and they will be working
that into conversation. And that famous clip
is by no means and outlier. Jones is a charismatic performer
who gets charged up on a regular basis,
so there are plenty of lesser known outbursts
like this… My spirit is close than evil
and I feel it and my whole spirit just goes…
(SCREAMS) They call that crazy,
that's not crazy, that's my will,
my human spirit saying, "Crush those
that would hurt the innocent! Go after the enemy,
build a civilization, be honorable! Crush the snakes under
your feet!" Well, at least now we know
what Friday Night Lights would've looked like
if they'd given Coach Taylor -a nasty PCP habit.
-(CROWD LAUGHING) Go after the enemy! Crush the snakes
under your feet! (SNIFFS) Clear ice, full house.
I've got the snakes everywhere! Stop those snakes,

(SCREAMS) (CROWD CLAPPING AND CHEERING) Now look, ideally, ideally,
the first thing you should know about The Alex Jones Show,
is nothing. But, unfortunately,
it is an important part of a lot of people's
media diets. An estimated six million people
listen to his radio show or watch it online every week, and we know at least
one Jones fan seems to be current Russian Ambassador
to the United States, -Donald Trump.
-(CROWD LAUGHING) He– he supposedly called Jones
after the election, has tweeted content from
Infowars and one of its editors and just a year and a half ago,
even appeared on his show.

I just wanna finish by saying,
your reputation's amazing.
I will not let you down. You will be very,
very impressed, I hope and I think we'll be speaking
a lot. The only thing that could've
made that moment any grosser is if Nigel Farage, Bill Cosby
and Phil Spector -were all on the same call.
-(CROWD GROANING) So look, it is no wonder
that Jones has been getting a lot of coverage, recently. We even mentioned him
on our first show of the season, back in February
and in his response to it, he seemed a little annoyed
with me. Your ratings are in the toilet,
you're a joke, they brought you back,

Out of the gate,
to attack yours truly. After you lectured us
that Donald Trump could never win,
over and over again, as you know,
you're the intellectual, everybody knows a British accent
is intellectual. (CROWD LAUGHING) You know, there's no facts
behind it. And now, you make fun of me
out of context, and I'll go,
"Look at this loon!" Hey boy, people want legitimacy,
they want real. They want to hear somebody
that can speak to 'em and touch 'em inside. -(CROWD GROANING)
-Okay, okay, I– A few things there.
One, don't call me boy.

And two, my British accent
does not sound intellectual. Believe me, I sound
like a chimney sweep passing through a wood chipper. But– but I will give him this,
Jones is right, that too often, people don't
present him in his full context. So tonight,
we are going to do that, and let's first set aside
the key context, that Alex Jones has repeatedly
used his show to fuel speculation
that the Sandy Hook Massacre was staged by the government,
which has been deeply hurtful for the parents of those
children over the years. That is disgusting
and should be disqualifying in terms of ever taking
him seriously. Sadly, doing things
that disqualify you from being taken seriously, doesn't really seem to be much
of a thing anymore.

But– but there is a piece
of context, you may be less aware of and that concerns the nature
of Jones' show itself. It is four hours long, and if you tune
into the whole thing, your most shocking discovery
might be how frequently and shamelessly he pitches
products that he sells. In fact, remember that clip from
him earlier, yelling about snakes? Let's just go back to that
and play it out a bit. Be honorable! Crush the snakes
under your feet! (SIGHS) Get behind me, Satan! (PANTING) Now before I go
any further… before I go any further… we gotta fund this operation, we got the very best
nutraceuticals out there. I don't know if I can run this
for another week or so, we wanna run this
through the end of the month, that's like 11 days. 'Cause I don't want it
to sell out before more gets in Twenty percent off,
-(CROWD GROANING)! Woah! That is a hard turn
to have to make.

(YELLS) The Satan-worshiping
deep state globalists are gonna murder you
and your entire family! Open your eyes, sheeple,
they are coming for you, they're coming for all of us! (CLEARS THROAT) But first… -McGillicuddy's Oatmeal.
to start your day. And look, that clip
is not an anomaly. In one week of recent broadcast
on his sight, we found he spent nearly
a quarter of the time, either talking about
or playing ads for his products, or pointing you
to the Infowars store. And if you have never gone
shopping on Infowars, you are in for whatever the exact opposite
of a treat is. Because there's the kind
of survival gear that you would expect
alongside more surprising items like organic shampoo,
body wash and deodorant as well as products like
Combat One Tactical Bath Wipes a ten-dollar pack
of moist towelettes that can be used anywhere
needed, including the perineal area. Which, if you're wondering,
is this region, right here. -(CROWD GROANING)
-That's right, Alex Jones is trying to sell you
sloppy wet rags for your tait.

And– and when you are done
wiping down the area between your genitals
and anus with a glorified wet nap… why not pick up
a Bill Clinton Rape Whistle? Which, according to Infowars,
should be used to let Bill know
you're in the crowd and that you know the truth. That truth, by the way… You just spent six dollars
on a whistle. Oh, that's right we bought this
and by the way our order came with a free
"9-11 was an inside job" -bumper sticker…
-(CROWD GROANING) …that we most assuredly
did not ask for. And look… radio hosts doing ads
is not inherently unusual, but since 2013,
Jones has increasingly focused on promoting his own products,
which he sells on his site under his Infowars Life brand, particularly, vitamins
and nutraceuticals, which I believe are the result
of the word, "nutrition" fucking the word
"pharmaceutical" from behind. (BED CREAKING) I'm pretty sure
that's what it is, but this– this is a big part
of Jones' business. Two thirds of his funding
reportedly comes from selling his products
and they are a lot of them.

And the reason I know that
is we bought a whole bunch. Now, let me break them down
for you. There is a Super Male Vitality,
a Super Female Vitality, "Wake Up America Patriot Blend"
coffee, Lung Cleanse, Brain Force Plus,
something called DNA Force that cost 120 dollars a bottle, and Child Ease, a herbal blend,
which, according to Infowars, is "designed to sooth the mind
and bodies of children" which is a profoundly,
creepy phase.

And then, there is Caveman True
Paleo Formula with bone broth, a chocolate flavored drink mix,
made from bee pollen, stevia and the dust
of chicken skeletons. Now, according to Infowars,
it is one of the most popular new health trend
in the world today. And by the look on Jones' face,
it tastes exactly as good as it sounds. You pour that in on a couple
of ice cubes. And folks, it tastes… when it's creamy and thick,
I think, better than Ovaltine. And it has got all the bone
broth and so much more.

This is why, the ancients,
they believe were– had such better bones, were so much healthier,
you can look it up. This– you could freeze this
and this will be better than, like,
bluebell chocolate ice cream. Mm! (CROWD LAUGHING) (LAUGHING) Okay!
Okay, I know for a fact that Alex Jones did not enjoy
drinking that glass of Caveman. Because, I have got a glass
of Caveman, right here. And I can confirm to you
that it tastes… (COUGHING) It taste exactly how you imagine
a drink would taste that's made from chocolate
and domesticated bird corpses. It– it comes at you in waves. And that is not the only time
that Jones has used himself as a guinea pig to sell
his own products. And a warning, now,
to our younger viewers, the following footage of a man
graphically too comfortable with his own body,
may be disturbing. Just ten minutes
before we taped this, I decided to do this
'cause I haven't done this in a while.
We took photos…

A year ago, And then again
about six months ago
and the weight loss
is dramatic,
already from what happened
(CROWD LAUGHING) Okay, so you're redder…
and you're wearing a belt. The only thing I can discern
happened between those two photos is that you walked shirtless
in the sun for two hours to a belt store. You– you could flip those
two photos around and the effect would be
exactly the same. Also… And look, to be fair to Jones,
he does have a medical expert, who consults on many
of his supplements, Doctor Edward Group III,
who looks like the lead in a Director DVD
Kato Kaelin biopic. But he's actually even less
impressive than that. Here he is in an Infowars ad explaining the importance
of one of the products.

GROUP: If you're suffering
from abdominal pain,
allergies, even like headaches,
weakened immune system,
gut problems, depression,
hair loss, uh… excess gas, muscle pain, nervousness,
I mean, all of these things, if you look at some
of these conditions
and then us opening up
our borders
and all the other countries
opening up our– their borders,
you're just dealing with
a mass amount of parasites
or are harmful organisms. You can type in
"refugees spreading disease"
I mean, the CDC is going crazy
right now. Actually, I'm pretty sure
that if you type, "refugee spreading disease"
into Google and press enter, it just takes you
right to the Wikipedia page for xenophobia, which,
at the end of the day, is a real time saver for you.
But despite the fact that Doctor Group looks like
what would happen if Tom Petty was machine washed
instead of dry cleaned…

(CROWD LAUGHING) … Alex Jones swears by him. In fact, he's been
pretty defensive about Doctor Group's
credentials. It doesn't matter you've got
degrees from MIT and everywhere else
and a bunch of other degrees, the media makes fun of you
and says that you're an idiot. -(SIGHS) That's right.
-I mean literally they say we cannot sell coffee,
it's a fraud. That's right, that's right. I– I've been
a research scientist for a long time, I do have– I am MIT alumni
and I can tell you that I do research
all the time– Okay, stop. A– Look, let's break down
that "bunch of degrees" Jones mentioned. Group does have
a Doctor of Chiropractic degree from Texas Chiropractic College, but, while he listed– lists all
these other schools on LinkedIn we checked and he didn't
graduate from any of them. In fact, we asked him
and he admits, he does not have
an undergraduate degree. And as for whether he's
an "MIT alumni," he only completed a non-degree
certificate program there, in fact, just to be sure,
we contacted MIT, and according to them,
"It is not accurate to say he has a degree from MIT…
and calling him an alumni would be inaccurate
and misleading." (CROWD LAUGHING) Which does make sense
when you think about it.

Bill Clinton

Because this man doesn't look
like an MIT alumnus. He looks like
a fifth-year senior at the University
of Falling Off a Surfboard. So– so just to clarify Alex, that is what we are making
fun of, when we make fun of Doctor Group.
Well that, and, the fact that he looks like
what would happen if Iggy Pop got "The Rachel." (CROWD LAUGHING) And look! Jones can inflate
Doctor Group's credentials all he wants.

He says a lot
of crazy shit on his show. But it is noticeable
that when it comes to selling his supplements,
he can sometimes show a caution that is pretty out of character.
Just watch him bend over backwards
to repeatedly qualify what he says,
seconds after he said it. Maybe you've had
back pain before, maybe you've had nerves
that were cut off. This creates tingling, this–
A lot of people have their feeling come back.
I'm not gonna make claims if this research is true.
Organically based bio PQQ, but it's not
technically organic. (CROWD LAUGHING) The other stuff's synthetic,
(INDISTINCT) are lab-made. This is made
from organic sources… but the bacteria is GMO. I'll just tell ya up front… but it's not like
the super high-tech stuff. It's a bacteria that's just
been bred, to be able to then secrete
and produce.

It's just like beer is bacteria,
it's a lot of good bacteria, obviously, but this one– that's how the Japanese do it.
But it's bio-identical. This stuff is only found
in comets. And in trace amounts
in blueberries. (CROWD LAUGHING AND CLAPPING) Wait. Wait. OK, so let's break that down. It repairs nerves
but maybe doesn't. It's organic but not really.

It contains GMOs, which is bad, except for when he's
selling you something and you can only find
its ingredients in comets. Oh, and blueberries. And it's the drop off
after that last one that is really incredible. You can only find this stuff
in dinosaur bones and in trace amounts
in Ritz bits. And look, Jones's products
don't come cheap. For instance, he sells
this one fluid ounce bottle of Vitamin D3 for 29.95. But,
a supplement watchdog, points out that you can buy
the same amount of D3, from other sources,
for less than four dollars. But Jones will often give you
a hard sell. Sometimes, he'll tell you
his products are different than the ones that you can find
in stores, and sometimes,
he'll go even bigger. It is absolutely
in the crystalline form, the strongest, you absorb it.

So, folks, don't go out
to the store and get iodine from, say,
one of the big chains. It'll kill you! Woah! Wow! I honestly
did not know that you could imply
your competition kills people. Four out of five dentists
prefer Trident gum and the fifth dentist is dead
because he put a piece of Wrigleys in his mouth
and that's basically suicide! And to hear Jones tell it…
to hear Jones tell it, his products are marked up just enough to keep
his business going. As he explained
in his recent appearance on, Rationalizing Low Ratings
with Megyn Kelly. It may cost 45, 50 million
dollars a year, around that. How much money is being made? Well, the money that's made is pretty much put back
into things. Okay, so that is remarkable
for two reasons. First, 45 to 50 million dollars
is a lot of money.

And second,
Jones would have you believe that every penny they earn
is being plowed back into a show that looks
like it was filmed on the set of a low-budget porn parody
of itself. In fact, as he frequently tells
is audience, he needs them to buy more
to keep his truth telling crusades
solvent and growing. JONES:
We need to fund ourselves,
and we find ourselves
by you buying the products.
We're at a shortfall now
because of the massive, sustained economic attacks
we're under, but the listeners in just two weeks
have almost narrowed that gap.

I could have to sell my house… to keep this place running
three, four months. I could have sponsors
every segment. I don't do it.
I plug enough to fund things. Fund us, give me the energy and I will attack the enemy. Exactly! It's like
an NPR pledge drive for people who hate NPR.
Because to listen to Jones, Infowars is perpetually
on the edge of disaster. He even has a link
on the Infowars store, where you can just
give him money, to help fund the fight
against tyranny.

And contributors
have left comments like, "Twenty-five dollars
may not be much, but I know
every little bit helps." But Jones seems
to be doing a bit more than just keeping his head
above water. Ex-employees describe
a thriving business with one saying,
"He can sell 500 supplements in an hour…
It's like QVC for conspiracy." And in one of those clips
we showed earlier, we noticed he's wearing
what looks like a Rolex watch worth around 8000 dollars. Which… cool. And, y'know,
as we looked around, we noticed he also seems to have
another two different Rolexes. And you know… cooler. And here's the thing,
that is honestly fine. He can have fancy watches. There is nothing wrong
with him getting paid. I get paid to make this show. But it does fight
with his message that he needs you
to buy products to help keep his show going.
And even Alex Jones seems to be
a little self-conscious about that disconnect.

But don't worry,
he's reconciled it in a truly amazing way. I wear a blue sports coat
and a Rolex because it's a symbol
of middle-class and humanity having prosperity
and promoting human prosperity for respect
of empowering humanity and stealing the image
of a man in a sports jacket with a Rolex,
that is the satanic image. So, I dress as a Satanist, so that I can enter their world
and show you that none of it means anything.

Oh bullshit! How stupid do you think
your audience is? Okay, you bought a Rolex so you could dress up
like a Satanist. What are the other two for? And incidentally tormenting
the parents of Sandy Hooke should comfortably get you
into the satanic club. I believe that's the easy pass
to whatever hell's version of the champagne room is. And look, so, at the start
of this piece, I promised Alex Jones
that I would put his statements in context, because he is right that if you place small clips
in isolation, he looks like a loon. But if you play them in context, he looks like a skilled salesman
spending hours a day frightening you about problems
like refugees spreading disease and then selling you an answer. Remember that gay frog clip
at the start? He did a follow-up show,
explaining how chemicals were being placed in the water
to feminize society and reduce the population, and then immediately
segued to this… We shell five different brands
of the very best water– water filtration systems
out there.
They're amazing,
they cut out 99.99 percent
of the glyphosate,
the herbicides,
the pesticides, the fluoride. I mean to an untrained eye,
it sure seems like he was using the idea
of a gay frog to sell his products, which,
incidentally is the same mistake -the WB network made.
-(CROWD LAUGHING) And– and listen, listen!
I'm not saying– I'm not saying the only reason Jones is talking
about the globalist, systematically feminizing us, is to sell over-priced
nutraceuticals so he can buy luxury watches,
but if I were saying that, it certainly wouldn't be
the stupidest conspiracy theory that you've heard
so far, tonight.

So, if Alex Jones wants
his words in context, this is it. The fact that he happens to sell
so many solutions should really re-contextualize
how you think about what he is claiming
are problems. Think about it like this.
How would you feel, if at the end of this segment
that may well have made you feel a little dirty, I tried
to sell you something to wipe that gross feeling away?
Would you question my motives? Well, I certainly hope not, because that's what we are doing
right now.

(CROWD CHEERING) Come with me. Come with me
because I'm proud to say that we've been working
with a leading medical expert, and I would like you
to meet him right now. Please, please welcome
Doctor Ted Group III. -(CROWD CHEERING)
-Doctor Ted. Ah, so happy to be here. We– we're so happy
to have you, doctor. A– and we are– we are here,
the doctor and I, to offer you the John Oliver Moisture Armored
Tactical Assault Wipe. The first tactical wipe
for use, exclusively, on the perineal. That's right.
Uh, for goodness sake, don't use this anywhere else.
You're gonna wanna just focus… -Right.
-…on this area right here.

-DOCTOR: Right here. Now… now… now Doctor, Doctor, how is this going
to make people feel better about what they've seen tonight?
How… Well my studies show
that when you vigorously apply this taint wipe,
it causes a sensation that distracts the brain
from whatever it had previously -been thinking about.
-(CROWD LAUGHING) OK, and again,
you've got degrees from MIT, and everywhere else,
and a bunch of other degrees.

The media makes fun of you
and says that you're an idiot. -They do.
-(CROWD LAUGHING) Just– just for the record,
you did go to MIT, right? Well I've definitely
physically been there. That's… that's essentially
the same. That's what I've been telling
everybody. Now– now you can actually
buy one of these wipes at
for one million dollars. This is real.
They are actually available for a million dollars apiece, and don't even think
about buying a similar wipe in a store, because those wipes
will kill you.

Yeah, also, these wipes
have the power to heterosexualize frogs. So uh, that's very nice to have, 'cause that's been
a real problem -what with all the refugees.
-(CROWD GROANS AND LAUGHS) And look– look, this tactical
taint wipe has demonstrated incredible results,
hasn't it, Doctor? Absolutely, it sure has. Look at this photo of me. And now look at this photo of me
forty-five minutes later…
-after applying the taint wipe.
-(CROWD LAUGHING AND CLAPPING) You– you're much redder there. -I'm so much redder!
-So much redder! -So disturbingly red!
-So much… So, if you want to spend
a million dollars on a taint wipe,
go to, and if you're thinking, "Well,
no one's going to do that," all I will say is, people pay
Alex Jones 45 dollars for a jar of chocolate flavored
chicken juice, so anything is fucking possible..

As found on YouTube

Looking to see what kind of mortgage you can get? Click here to see

Leave a reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *